One of the biggest struggles of my life has been trying to validate who I am as a person. I thought identifying as a homosexual man was going to be tough enough for me to face the world, but it has only been a fraction in comparison to the real struggle which is existing and validating yourself.
What do I mean by validating myself? I often believe that I'm a good person, that genuinely wants the best for everyone, someone who isn't too ambitious about certain things that might require stepping on other people's toes for example, and that wants to live a free and happy life.
How is this hard for me to validate? My struggle is dealing with other people and their subjective perception of who I am. I've been told and done the meanest things to, right after I've actually been genuine, nice and completely harmless. These things throw me off so much. How is it that they get to use mean or even hateful words, hurt someone who's fought long and hard with his appearance and life in general, just because they seem to want to hurt you? Is it jealously? Are they jealous of my way of being, of how happy I portray myself, even though I might not be it exactly at that very moment?
I don't understand why they seem to crave so much pulling other people down. Every time someone decides to pull me down with their words, with their opinions, I find myself having to rebuild my confidence, this confidence that I have in the person that I am, hence validating who I am. So many doubts fill up my head when someone is hurtful, specially when that would've been the last thing I would've done to them. Sometimes they make me think if I have been making the right or best decisions for myself and for my life, they also make me find new flaws in me that I never thought about.
Things don't seem to be getting any easier as I get older unfortunately. We all age, our brain and the way we think changes, topics change, we aren't that 16 year old kid talking about trivial things anymore, and suddenly there are fewer things of interest to talk to with younger people. You might start looking older too, the worst is when people point those things out and use them to attack your confidence. No one should give themselves the right to hurt anybody, in any way possible.
Words do hurt, comments do matter, I know it would be easy to just ignore it all, but when you are a sensitive person things aren't that easy. So I find myself rebuilding my confidence, validating the person that I am, every time someone decides to be hurtful. But thankfully I get stronger, and these comments turn into some sort of a shield, a way that I can protect me.
- Fransisco.